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2/14/2025
I don't give half a shit about Abraham Lincoln's supposed alternative motives if they did exist. I don't trust or glaze any politician; even Mamdani I praise with caution. But to say that the American Civil War was not about slavery...to say the Confederates fought back simply because the North was cruel to them...when people say the Confederate flag represents anything other than racim...WITH THE CONSIDERATION THAT - Half or more of the historical landmarks where I live are fucking PLANTATIONS. Heritage not hate, you say? This flag was created entirely for the purpose of that war, that war for the defence of slavery, slavery to oppress and abuse. As I implied, I am from the southern part of the USA. It ties into my identy and viewpoint a lot. My accent, the food I eat, my love of our dusty little towns and simply the flora and fauna that spawn in the entire area. But literally none of that is tied to or represented by the Confederate flag. Are some of those things I listed, things that were once beloved by Confederate soldiers and those on their side? Probably, yeah. But I promise you no one thinks about fried okra or wildflowers when they look at that flag. Folk music? Maybe...and that's a generous maybe. I promise you all I'm thinking about when I see a Confederate flag is they'll shoot anyone that looks funny. Is that how you want to align yourself, dickhead? And unfortunately I have seen a simularly nothingburger argument made for non black people using the n word, by a supposedly very progressive person. You want to rebel, go against the grain? But against who are you rebeling? What ideologies do you represent?
All in all, I wanted to make this post to say I will not tolerate this kind of tip-toeing around racist and regressive ideology. It's not just about the flag. It's about every little excuse, every attempt to sweep racism under the rug. It would be ridiculous to try and enforce some kind of rule about who can and cannot view my site, but I can and will push back against any attempt to normalize these kinds of ideas. You won't be able to slip it by in my presence.
6/17/26
This anecdote begins with a diagram of a neck. Somewhere, somehow, near the current day I am reading this completely random stranger's claims about the effects of being choked, none of which I have verified. I think you can see where this is going...I'm thinking about brain damage, the location of these vessels, specifically on my own neck, and something clicks.
Wait.
Wait.
I used to do that to myself. I would press on the blood vessels, and somehow, it never occured to me there was blood in there, not once. And it did OFTEN. Just for fun. All I knew was that it made me feel this pressure in my neck, and made me hear a funny pulsating sound. But I truly wonder if I didn't give myself mild brain damage this way. I was just stimming! I really want this on a t-shirt, but the problem is no matter how I try to phrase it in a funny way, it just sounds dark and terrifying. I mean, imagine showing up to a party in a shirt that says "I used to choke myself regularly as a child". I don't anybody would want to talk to me. They'd probably run to store away all the utensils as quickly as possible. So here, I wear this badge of recklessness on blog instead of a shirt, which showcases the complete and utter lack of awareness I've possessed all my life.
5/21/26
It is a little devastating how much anger is fear. Not all of it. But a lot. I was playing this game about anxiety. The anxiety is a wolf. You play as the wolf and try to get your human's energy bar down to zero. It has a really corny ending where the human thanks the wolf for protecting them, and anyway, it got me thinking—While people hate their anxiety, they generally love their anger. But even despite that, when do we ever take the time to be grateful for how it serves us? The reasons to be thankful for anger are perhaps different than the reasons to be thankful for anxiety. To treat it like a person, would give it humanity and accountability. Everyone knows anger is fallible, but are you able to communicate with it, moment to moment, on a complex level that reflects that? I dunno, food for thought I guess.
4/8/26, originally written 3/22/26
There is something to be said about how a lot of dreamcore and liminal aesthetics surround the most sanded down modern American middle class neighborhoods and houses, which makes sense because they are eerie. These houses in question are old looking enough to be nostalgic, plain enough to appeal to a modern minimal sensibilities, and the neighborhoods repetitive enough to be easily translated to an uncanny setting like that. Two story white house, or perhaps yellow, white picket fence, green lawn. I believe a lot of people who enjoy that aesthetic, have never lived in those homes. I haven't, at least. It's an old, dead, american, and hollow dream, I think we, at least, partially, recognize as such.
Liminal houses are like a carnivorous plant, there's not any way for them not to be. I think the awareness of this makes them Better, Actually. I'm not moralizing anyone's enjoyment. I'm saying you should get worse and more depressing about it. Not everything has to have meaning, but it could. Get a shovel.
4/8/26, originally written 4/1-6/26
Happy early new years, everyone! I'll be gone for a while so unfortunately I will not be able to update my site for a little while and I'll miss out on posting on the day. Anyhow I've been looking foward to and thinking about New Years and its significance a lot. The transition into New Beginnings, out of seasonal misery, coming off the rush and stress of more family oriented hollidays. Janus, the two-faced god of doorways. I would like to have some sort of ritual that lasts the month of January. I suppose we already have New Years resolutions, but god, does anybody ever stick to those? How about just dedicating January to bettering some part of your life? What if you spent every one of those thirty days doing something unusual? Perhaps this time could be spent reflecting on the previous year's journal entries. Candles naturally feel like they must be a part of any kind of "ritual", so I say put one on the window sill to welcome the new year "home", and burn your regrets and grudges written on a slip of paper on it. (I imagine doing that in/above a candle in a glass jar. Good luck not burning yourself or anything else, otherwise). I'm sure you can tell my thoughts are not coherent, I'm just throwing shit at the wall, but I was wondering what all of you thought and if you have any ideas. Doesn't have to be deeply serious. Lmk. Good year ya'll. (Stares into the distance with a deer-in-the-headlights look).
12/27/25
The dangerous summer of 2023 was the most quiet I've felt in ages. Nature was quiet too, or, at least, every time I went outside I was too hot to pay attention. I was particularly fixated on Serial Experiments Lain at the time. The sky was pale, sun glinted off the leaves like they were metal. Everything was white, bright, bleached. In Serial Experiments Lain there are many scenes where the scenery and sky is obfuscated by a merciless white sun, leaving very little washed out color, but casting these deep shadows filled with stars at the same time. This surreal dream-like scenery reflected how I felt in the real world. My outdoor world was minimized to a small island in a white void, only shadows, a computer and my own footsteps to keep me company. No wind.
(Liminal Summer)
There's a demon in the sun
Screaming, through the treetop leaves (white)
(Bright) (radio.
Silence.)
Peirced a hole right through us.
Still need to respond to my family,
12/25/25, poem written 9/19/23
To-do list:
2/25/25