Happy early new years, everyone! I'll be gone for a while so unfortunately I will not be able to update my site for a little while and I'll miss out on posting on the day. Anyhow I've been looking foward to and thinking about New Years and its significance a lot. The transition into New Beginnings, out of seasonal misery, coming off the rush and stress of more family oriented hollidays. Janus, the two-faced god of doorways. I would like to have some sort of ritual that lasts the month of January. I suppose we already have New Years resolutions, but god, does anybody ever stick to those? How about just dedicating January to bettering some part of your life? What if you spent every one of those thirty days doing something unusual? Perhaps this time could be spent reflecting on the previous year's journal entries. Candles naturally feel like they must be a part of any kind of "ritual", so I say put one on the window sill to welcome the new year "home", and burn your regrets and grudges written on a slip of paper on it. (I imagine doing that in/above a candle in a glass jar. Good luck not burning yourself or anything else, otherwise). I'm sure you can tell my thoughts are not coherent, I'm just throwing shit at the wall, but I was wondering what all of you thought and if you have any ideas. Doesn't have to be deeply serious. Lmk. Good year ya'll. (Stares into the distance with a deer-in-the-headlights look).
12/27/25
The dangerous summer of 2023 was the most quiet I've felt in ages. Nature was quiet too, or, at least, every time I went outside I was too hot to pay attention. I was particularly fixated on Serial Experiments Lain at the time. The sky was pale, sun glinted off the leaves like they were metal. Everything was white, bright, bleached. In Serial Experiments Lain there are many scenes where the scenery and sky is obfuscated by a merciless white sun, leaving very little washed out color, but casting these deep shadows filled with stars at the same time. This surreal dream-like scenery reflected how I felt in the real world. My outdoor world was minimized to a small island in a white void, only shadows, a computer and my own footsteps to keep me company. No wind.
(Liminal Summer)
There's a demon in the sun
Screaming, through the treetop leaves (white)
(Bright) (radio.
Silence.)
Peirced a hole right through us.
Still need to respond to my family,
12/25/25, poem written 9/19/23
I want to introduce a more personal aspect to my blog beyond emotional rambling and whatnot. I'm kind of tired of it, to be honest. I'm a person that likes to do things and I'd like to talk about some of those things, and since I don't know where else to start, I'm just going to sum up the more interesting bits.
Earlier this year I jogged down the road, which ended up more of a sight seeing trip than excersize because there were more wildflowers than I remember there ever being any year. I think the tornado that struck brought over a bunch of seeds. On a kudzoo flower, I found a semi-translucent purple catepillar. It was a real bitch to identify but I'm almost certain it's in the hairstreak family, and just looks mauve because it was eating purple flowers. The pictures I found were all pinkish or green.
Around October I finally cracked open blender, something I had done years ago and felt discouraged by. This time around though, I had a tutorial made by a roblox developer sent to me by god. Still a bit of a learning curve, but learning the basics was pretty easy with his guidance. Unfortunately I'm probably not going to be able to make very big models on my computer though.
In the waiting room I finally picked up Dune again. I haven't been doing twenty pages like the goal I set since I had other shit to do and just kind of didn't feel motivated. I really enjoy this author's style, though. Another goal I had set was to do Clues By Sam and wordle every day, to keep my brain from turning into a stagnant pool of mush. Fell off pretty fast, and now I always try playing Clues by Sam while I'm falling asleep with asmr on. Please do not ask me why I thought that's a good idea.
Then I went to a fall festival. There wasn't much I was interested in, but I spoke with a writer-artist about his mission, which I can't talk a lot about without doxxing myself, but he does a lot of community oriented stuff. I wished I had his ability to bring people together. Later I got a coffee and the barista was zipping everywhere like a little firefly, used "baby" in almost every sentence. I wished I had their charisma and energy. They gave me another free coffee and told me to smile.
And most recently, I'm learning to cook acorns. Cracking them has been a tedious process and I haven't even gotten past that stage.
So there's a little window into my little life. I don't really do much. I'm a shut-in. But I put efforts into keeping the rot at bay occationally I suppose.
11/1/25
I've lost interest in anime for the most part, and don't really incorporate what might be called a typical "anime style" into my art anymore. Stylistically my art has been kind of all over the place. Old fashioned tube arm mascot. Semi realistic with messy stokes. Blocky strokes that create smooth surfaces and sharp edges. Westernly cartoonish. Kawaii aesthic. And then I realize, like, I've been assigning way too much importance on art; There is no such thing as an artist's soul. I find myself knawing and barking and scraping and screaming to find the perfect formula to make art that both me and the faceless audience can enjoy, and get nothing. Damn it all.
I began my journey as an artist as a kid that thought selling anime styled oc commissions was what life was all about. I had it figured out. I was important. I proceeded to make the worst decisions possible in regards to my online presence, causing me to wipe the slate clean every year and then only draw things no one was interested in except for me. Awesome! I placed a lot of importance on anime, believed it was superior to western animation, not only in style but also story telling, and thought oc commissions were the only good job in the world, I guess.
Since then I haven't really thought about what art means to me. I've just taken for granted it's the most important thing in my life. Perhaps it still is. But not quite so! Only once I started getting into the weeds of the ai debate did I really consider this. I spat on christianity and made art my god and it got me nowhere. I forgoed picking up any other skill for art, and now I feel irritated and bored with my own drawings on the first of November.
I will not be putting down the brush, as by now it's a skill and habit so deeply ingrained in me. But I keep wondering if I've gone about this all wrong. Maybe I should fully lean into souless kawii good vibes art and get out all my weirdness by shitting in ditches. Maybe I should produce stickers by some uniquely unethical means. Maybe I should get into plumbing. Or maybe I'm actually like really good at stop motion and I just haven't found out yet. Idk.
11/1/25
To-do list:
2/25/25